Heatwave? What heatwave?

The boyfriend recently relocated from Brighton to Edinburgh. You might have seen Brighton in the news this past weekend. No? Think pictures of a packed beach, bikini clad southerners and plenty of white flesh. Yes – that was Brighton.

The hottest weather in October, ever.

Not here in Edinburgh. We were enjoying a spot of very seasonal (and very heavy) rain. He was not best pleased.

It’s for the best really. Brits don’t really know how to cope with the summer. We can’t even dress for sunshine. I don’t blame us of course; it isn’t as though we have much opportunity to practice.

So those of us north of the border may have missed out on a vitamin D dose, but at least we also missed the spectacle of ‘British men burning with their tops off.’ 

It really is a national horror. Why don’t our men turn that glorious olive shade of the men on the med? Why do they all go lobster pink? Why do none of them wear sun-cream?

When the sun finally puts his hat on, well people go a bit mad don’t they? You see them in Sainsbury's, in their flip-flops and shorts, buying the last disposable bbq, forgetting they live in Manchester - not Melbourne.

They walk down the high-street baring flesh. Flesh that last saw sunlight in the ‘heatwave of 2003.’ Then they pass a woman who clearly didn’t read the weather forecast and is wearing her winter coat. It’s totally bizarre.

And the weather- forecasters. Their delight at being able to announce the good news. Finally summer has arrived, and they are going to be the ones to tell us. Yes, it’s only going to be 2 days long - and yes - we know that your sarong is packed in the loft because summer is theoretically over, but quick – find your flip flops . Oh and that bbq you couldn’t use in August because it rained non-stop? Well it’s time –so get the burgers in.

And then the weatherman briefly turns his attention to Scotland, muttering in apologetic tones that there is a high chance of rain. 

But whatever the weather, we Brits can fine reason to complain.

Well yes of course it’s gorgeous having the sun out – but really; it’s too hot isn’t it? Bloody hell I’m sweating- are you sweating?  Best pop inside for a lie down.  I actually got sun-burnt in October, can you imagine? And we’ve got the central heating all set up, so we didn’t want to turn it off. Yes, the parks were packed with people, and the beaches – you should see the bodies. You can’t enjoy it when it’s like that can you?

No, my boyfriend should be glad we were spared the heat-wave. The uncertainty of it would have been too much.  I really have no idea where the flip-flops are. We waved farewell to daylight in August, and that’s just fine. Who needs vitamin D anyway?