There comes a moment in every late twenty-something’s life,
when she looks around and realises everyone is getting married.
Last weekend was my moment.
The University besties are happily hitched (you can read all
about always being the bridesmaid here) but in my school friends I had hoped
that we had a few years yet.
Seems not.
For on a Friday night, whilst catching up in our favourite curry
house in Wolverhampton, drinking beer from a wine glass, one friend casually said:
“So, ladies, what’s the etiquette on engagement rings?”
I almost choked on my aloo gobi.
Turns out, said friend and her partner are in
discussions about this very matter. And she is non too pleased with his views
on the ring. “He said he was going to spend £500. I mean £500?”
Seems he doesn’t know that one to two months' salary is the norm for these
matters. Although it might be worth mentioning that this norm seems to stem from
De Beers' marketing department, who I’d say have a somewhat vested interest.
“Oh no I quite agree,” added another friend
(apparently planning her engagement this summer) “It’s one month’s salary, or
£1000: whichever is greater.”
“But how can I tell him that £500 isn’t enough,
without sounding, well, like a snob?”
By now ‘soon to be doctor’s wife’ had put away
several wine glasses of beer, and had the perfect response.
“Just say, (adopts sinister whisper) £500? F**k
you.”
Perhaps this seems a tad on the harsh side in
the sober light of day.
But my friends are not alone. Getting married is
synonymous with haemorrhaging cash.
The engagement is just the beginning, for thereafter
lies the interrogation about the ‘big day.’ “Will
you have a big wedding?” they will ask, looking at you as if you have become a
giant living cashpoint. What they mean is: will you pay for 300 people to hate
your wedding dress and whisper about your back-fat?
No, I wouldn’t either.
The average cost of a UK wedding is £21,000. £21,000. Why, oh why, would I spend 21k
on a wedding, when I’m trying to buy things – like, oh let me think, a house!
Call me selfish, but the idea
of eloping for a two person ceremony followed by a fabulous five star holiday
sounds like a far better option to me.
Whichever way I look at it, spending
20 grand on a wedding for £2000 of John Lewis goods is bad economics. I’ll buy
my own toaster, thanks.
So ladies, I’m afraid I can’t
agree with you on the ring. Surely it’s just the love that counts?
Although saying
that, if anyone ever buys me one from Elizabeth Duke, I might have to
reconsider my position.
----
Finally, I hope you’ll allow me
to close with the words of a fellow Wolverhampton-er, Caitlin Moran:
“Perhaps we should just junk
the whole idea of getting married in the first place. I’m generally against
anything where you’re supposed to change your name. When else do you get named
something else? On joining a nunnery, or becoming a porn star. As an ostensibly
joyful celebration of love, that’s pretty bad company to be in.”
If you haven’t read Caitlin
Moran’s: How To Be a Woman
you really should.
you really should. 
